Hello reader, I am your content provider,
The realization that one dosent have a goal or direction in life can be scary and disturbing, I have been pondering on this since the start of 2011, those of you whom have read my blog before know that my life has never been easy and that the year I became 18 was afflicted by panic attacks and depression from a life of stress brought forth by bullying and being forced to go to schools for social missfits and those in need of special help.
I shall get back to my time in school at a later point, this time we are talking about the lack of direction or a goal in life, as well as what fears I now have because of it.
During my life I have never really had much thought or time to reflect what I wanted in life or what I would finally do after the years of education had come to an end, I had some expectations, sure… but nothing stable or that I thought would be “me”.
Guidance consulars during school often asked what one wanted but often had little to offer in form of guidance for me, often asking what I wanted or what intrests and likes I had, this didnt really give me the guidance I needed to make a choosen goal in life other then finishing school and as such I never reflected much on it until now as late when I had time to think and calmed down enough to make sense of it all.
This has made me come to the realization that I dont have a goal or direction other then what I have done so far to keep my sanity and avoid stress, which I have been mostly sitting infront of a computer for most of the time since I slowly developed agoraphobia, in which I have used MMORPG and various games to keep up a social interaction and not lose touch with the world.
It was during this time of agoraphobia and the lack of nearby friends from the prior events in my life that caused me to seek out new connections and people I could call friends, at this time I was allready heavy into MMORPG and was part of creating a community of gamers that I would like to call my friends.
However, online friendships and virtual social interaction games can only cover a small part of what one needs in life and as I began to come more in contact with myself over these years of calming my shattered psyche and adjusting to a life constantly taking medication against stress and panic attacks I was thinking it was time I fight harder to regain a normal life
Last year however I was afflicted by an additional disease, Diabetes Type 2, Just hearing the doctor tell me I had developed diabetes now with a blood sugar value of 19,5 was not an improvement and forced me to reflect even more and realization was now shockingly apparent…
So I now sit here with fears that I will never have anything to see as a Life Achievement or a direction in which I wish my life to go other then the hope that I someday would no longer have panic attacks and could regain a normal life, but so far there hasnt been any improvement in that field, but I cant lose hope that it might be so one day.
So what fears is it I have?, Well one is that my life as it is right now, makes it hard to find a girlfriend since I dont go out by myself out of fear of having a panic attack in public and my last one had me stranded at Tekniska Högskolan subway station vomiting and losing control of my bodily functions for the first hour of the panic attack on the cold floor in the morning rush hours… and I dont have any large array of friends that live in close proximity or even in the same part of the region where I live.
One thing that I have noticed in myself is that I have the desire to in the future have a family with children of my own someday, which I never thought of when I was younger, and as I still havent had sex for the first time nor had a real girlfriend, so I am inexperienced and dont really have any confidence around girls, even less those I may be interested in as I have been in “away” trying to keep sane and stabilize my life.
I have also had the thoughts run through my mind around what I would be remembered for or known for by family friends and brothers & sisters in battle, what am I known for, the only things I could make claim to in my mind, is that I would be know as Gamer that in game shared his wealth even when I didn’t have much to offer or give, never asked more from those around me then I could not potentially provide myself or thought I could provide with, but, that is not much of a feat as a show of character, I want to find a goal to achieve, which it probably would be easy to just choose having children and raise them to adulthood.
However, one should never just have one goal, one should have several and in time, with alot of reflecting I would probably find more goals that I would want to achieve or fight for.
I am also concerned with having good finances to have a home and upholding a decent living standard even if it would have to be to a bare minimum, this is of course a great fear as I am unable to hold a job due to the panic attacks and lowered tolerance to negative stress to name a few.
In all honesty I wish I could push myself to handle a normal job without to much negative impact on my system, but medical tests and the obseravtions by family and friends of my fast deteriation during negative stress and hectic enviorments has shown that it is not likely or 99,9% impossible as it stands today and has done for the last 10 years
anyway my mind is tired and I feel the sensation of low bloodsugar, time to end this and have a bit of juice, I hope that what I have written has given you a share of my world and how some with the same issues may see the world as well as what they might be thinking about, I hope that you will come back and read whenever I next decide to write, thank you.
